Random Soccer News Based off of Things I Overheard True Fans Saying

Big Dog Messi Carries Team to Another Victory

From what I've heard he's like some sort of football super saiyan.

Michael Bradley Singlehandedly Knocks USMNT Out of World Cup Qualifier

Could Bradley be the most hated bald man since Lex Luthor?

US Soccer Fans Reminisce About That One Time We Made it to Knockout Stage

Belgian fans reminisce about the one time that they beat us to advance to the next round.

Bronze Statue of Ronaldo Comes to Life, Terrorizes Village

A large, grotesque caricature of the famous footballer came to life last night in what has been described as 'a series of truly bizarre attacks.' Local authorities say that they are helpless in the fight against the half-ton behemoth, whose slack-jawed smile and offset eyes bear an almost uncanny resemblance to a man who looks absolutely nothing like Cristiano Ronaldo.

National peacekeeping forces have not yet made a decision on whether or not aid should be rendered to the site of the attacks. Real Madrid released a brief statement expressing interesting in acquiring the statue to fill key positions on their starting squad.