The Problem With Writing About Soccer

It seems to me that there's a great deal of incredibly sub-par American soccer writing these days. It should really come as no surprise though, as many of us Americans see through the corrupt farce that is FIFA simply cannot appreciate the nuances of The Beautiful Game. The internet has enabled an even further decline of modern soccer writing: Looking at certain articles from Soccer Ipsum, we can see that some writers cannot even string together a coherent sentence: Four-four-two goalie one-two center-half striker midfielder UEFA European Championship World Cup yellow card chip number 10 goal ball referee forward African Cup of Nations. UEFA European Championship pitch ball midfielder World Cup chip soccer yellow card upper 90 center-half one-two four-four-two hat trick halftime goalie. Simply horrendous! But what could be the reason for such drivel being published at the highest level? We should start our journey at the root.

Fédération Internationale de Football Association

As the central governing body of soccer, FIFA writes and enforces da rules. These rules even lay out the internal rules of the organization itself, for instance the rule concerning the roles and limits of the Audit and Compliance Committee. The rules can be summed up by the simple saying 


while(fifa_being_shady) {
    check_in();
    get_money();
}
The committee is made up of n persons, where 21<n<23. When probed about their true purpose, the committee's robot overlords output 
To monitor compliance with the Compensation Rules.
. With dryness such as this, clearly the writing is rotten from the top down. If one wishes to verify the existence of these drab rules, they can navigate to The official FIFA rules site and click on FIFA Governance Regulations 2016. There one can view any of the rules, from SS1 to SS80. These rules are obviously the cause of the current horrible state of writing. Look again at the article quoted above:

UEFA European Championship pitch ball midfielder World Cup

Even UEFA is on on FIFAs World Cup schemes! The writing is on the wall.

Maybe switching to a different language will help. Why not, for example, use 踢(Tī) 足(zú) 球(qiú) when writing articles? In fact, we could use all sorts of different languages to help bump up our writing prowess.

Of course, perhaps since soccer is a rather silly game after all we are better off just writing gibberish altogether: Four-four-twogoalieone-twocenter-halfstrikermidfielderUEFAEuropeanChampionshipWorldCupyellowcardchipnumber10goalballrefereeforwardAfricanCupofNations.UEFAEuropeanChampionshippitchballmidfielderWorldCupchipsocceryellowcardupper90center-halfone-twofour-four-twohattrickhalftimegoalie.